The Sync Magazine

Can The Saints Overcome The Irish

The ferocity of the much discussed Manu Tuilagi punch (or punches) won’t have anything on the sustained intensity of the collisions in the Heineken Cup final this Saturday evening. Talking to reporters Tuesday, Jamie Heaslip, the Leinster and Ireland No.8, said that his teammates would need to ‘be in a coffin’ should they wish to withdraw themselves from selection, and you get the feeling that similarly debilitating cause would be required for most of these men to leave the field once the game has started.

It will be brutal, which is precisely the way Northampton Saints want it. This cliché that Northampton are a ‘direct’ and uncomplicated side is a cliché for a damn fine reason. They want to blow you away in the scrum, they aim to carry hard and they try to knock you back in the tackle. Dynamism and power is the key, it is the reason they replaced Euan Murray with Brian Mujati and Neil Best with Tom Wood, and the reason they quickly withdrew any plans to make Shane Geraghty into a playmaking 12 over the oaklike James Downey. There is no great invention to their play, with their half-backs acting as facilitators rather than creators, choosing to hit runners on the gainline at depth after only one or two passes and virtually refusing, bar the odd Foden led counter-attack, to play any rugby in their own half. It is nonetheless effective and their record of eight wins in eight Heineken Cup games this season is proof that, providing the execution is good enough, their opponents have found it impossible to stop what they know is coming.

A Real S.O.B.

Leinster are markedly more imaginative and multifaceted in their play. Like all the best sides they rely on quick ball, both their scrum-halves can crumble without it, but they look to vary the point of attack off of every phase, whether looking for an inside runner, Gordon D’Arcy on the crash, Jonathan Sexton on the loop or Isa Nacewa hitting the line in midfield. The incredible thing is that even with that invention and lack of prescription in their play, the whole team is incredibly in sync with one another and they appear preternaturally able find themselves in support of the ball and its carrier, something that is an incredible testament to the work-rate of this Leinster side and in particular their back-row. It is often said that Leinster and Ireland have been supremely advantaged by the defensive technique of their centre pairing, and though that is true it does a disservice to the forwards in front of them. Sean O’Brien the young multi-purpose backrow from farming-stock, has rightfully received plaudits for the way he bust tackles in his eye-catching carries, but the truly stunning thing is the frequency with which he offers himself for the carry, the amount of rucks he hits and the amount of tackles he makes. A level of fitness and hard-work that is backed up by Heaslip, the hooker Richardt Strauss and whichever one of the other four or five Heineken Cup-quality back-rowers they choose to select.

The Front Row Saints

It seems that virtually everyone with even a passing knowledge of the game has made Leinster favourites, some considerably so. In a surprisingly unguarded moment, the current Ireland defence coach Less Kiss said, on the Ruggamatrix podcast, that he expected Leinster to win by two scores. While it is true that Leinster are a better team and by enlarge have better players, finals are virtually always a tight affair, and this one promises to be no different because Northampton want to turn the game into a Tonga’uiha sized arm wrestle and in Romain Poite they have a referee who will allow them to do so. Poite is in no way biased, as some of the Irish media and supporters (mostly based in Munster) claim, and he is consistent in his interpretations, but his style routinely leads to matches turning into slugfests, in antithesis to the drive towards increased fluency by the IRB. He does not seem to care about the offside line, he allows the team in possession to seal off with impunity, he lets defences slow ball but very rarely steal it and, quite importantly, he tends to significantly favour the scrum going forward irrespective of the way that dominance is achieved. Some journalists have praised the decisive way in which he adjudicates the scrum contest, but they fail to give credence to the fact that dominance is not always gained legally. Northampton have a very powerful scrum, the timing of their eight-man shove on opposition ball can be legitimately awesome, but they frequently cheat, having Dylan Hartley drive up or Tonga’uiha across. If Hartley has taken a step forward before he pops up you can be pretty certain he will not be penalised. Leinster’s scrum has undoubtedly improved since the ignoble thrashing at the hands of Toulouse last year, but they will still struggle to match Northampton for brute strength, in which case Poite’s perception of any illegality will be vital.

Even if the Northampton scrum secures the upper hand, their ability to maintain possession could be threatened at the lineout. Though I believe Tom Wood has been considerably overhyped this year, he is an excellent lineout forward and Hartley will miss having him there to take and disrupt ball. Hartley’s accuracy out of touch has improved significantly over the last year, but last week Tom Croft or Leicester showed that he can be got at, and Leinster have reportedly chose to select Kevin McLaughlin (who toyed with the Leicester lineout in the quarter-final) over Shane Jennings to do just that.

Mclaughlin Rises High

Like most games, this final will probably come down to who can best secure quick possession and who will succeed in slowing down the opposition. Unfortunately for Northampton, Leinster have a major advantage in the back-row, and though Poite will be a leveller, he will not contribute enough to stop the Irish team from dictating the terms of the contact area. This is a young and relatively callow Northampton team with a handful of exceptional athletes, but they do not seem to have the tools to beat what is the most well rounded team European rugby has seen for at least the last five or six years.

Who Am I Supposed To Root For?

Somehow This Makes Sense

Peek-A-Boo Biscuits

Barcelona on the other hand, are led by the cute and playful Messi, alongside local boys Pep, Xavi, Iniesta and Puyol (the comic relief). Obviously they are not Stoke, they are not wholly awful. They play football the ‘right’ way, or so I’m told, they wonderfully represent their people in Catalonia and they even have a firm relationship with Unicef, a bloody children’s charity. I understand all that and I’m very envious, I’d love to have been brought up in Barcelona and had a season ticket to the Nou Camp, yet I am coming to despise them. I certainly appreciate their excellence, through a combination of skill, tactical acumen, athleticism and work ethic, they are the most dominant club side I have ever seen, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. Busquets is despicable, he is either the biggest play-actor in the world or has lowest pain threshold in human history, Alves is worse, all Iniesta wants to do is try to force contact and draw a foul, Guardiola is so preening and smug he makes Mourinho look as sincere, modest and disheveled as Uncle Woy, and the sycophancy that follows them is unbearable. Worst of all is the unrelenting sense of invincibility. I don’t necessarily dislike winners, but I do find myself disliking people who win so often with total efficiency, even when it is more artistic than mechanical.

I watch sport, in part, because of the virtuous unpredictability. Happy endings are not a pre-requisite and a fan really does run the full gamut of emotions over the course of a season, let alone a lifetime. Barcelona winning 95% of their games, most of them comfortably, works against that. Mourinho’s gameplan to ‘beat’ Barca has been to cede possession, play athletes in the middle and hope with all his might they fail to take their chances. Frankly, when the best result attainable is a one-nil extra-time victory earned by Catalonian profligacy, I am bored. When that is matched by a volume of hammed up ‘acting’ and bluster on show that would make Sean Penn blush, I am also depressed. I can re-watch the original trilogy over and over, safe in the knowledge things will not go well for the Emperor, but watching this Barcelona team, crushing everything put in front of them through an aggregation of their tremendous ability allied with their irredeemable cynicism, just isn’t very fun. In this quadrilogy, the Empire is fighting the Borg to an anti-climatic standstill and everybody loses.

The Rugby Continues (all around the world)

So the Six Nations is purring along nicely, back after an off weekend which saw some rather dull and under strength club rugby in the Northern Hemisphere as well as the start of the rather awkwardly named, though thankfully exciting, SupeRugby down South. The story of last weekend in colder climates was that Matt Banahan is really rather good, at least at a level where defenders can’t prevent him from releasing his arms for the offload and defences that fail to punish his tugboat-esque acceleration, and on the other side of the world the headlines were dominated (at least until the horrific natural disaster in Christchurch for which we send out sympathies) by the whitewash of the new Melbourne Rebels, the capitulation of the Hurricanes and a great match in Auckland that went back and forth faster than a heavily medicated kid trying to do a full 360 loop on a swing.

The key to Super Rugby this year will first be trying to work at what on earth the new ‘conference system’ actually entails, the logistics of which seem as complex as the credit default swaps market, and if any players can come from relative obscurity to push for Rugby World Cup places. Robbie Coleman the young Brumbies centre was electric against the Chiefs (can I please get lottery numbers off of anyone who expected to see Tana Umaga playing first class rugby again) and if he maintains that level of performance then Giteau and Barnes could be under serious pressure for the 12 jersey, Tawera Kerr-Barlow the former ‘Baby Black’ looked really promising at 9 for those same Chiefs when he replaced Leonard and in Africa, Patrick Lambie looks set to make the Boks 10 shirt his own in the coming months. In terms of overall strength it seems relatively as you were, the best sides again look to be the Crusaders, Bulls and Tahs.

Going back to test rugby, it is a pivotal weekend in Europe. Only one team, at most, will still be battling for a grand slam come Monday, Italy will have probably their best chance of avoiding their sixth winless tournament in their twelfth Championship, and either Ireland or Scotland could see campaigns that promised so much turn disastrous. ‘The Crunch’ (none of this Francophile pandering please) is very intriguing. Since the last round much of the focus has been on Chris Ashton’s scoring record and his subsequent ‘celebrations’, but England’s success is actually a consequence not of daring back-play but a change of ethos up front. This is best exemplified by a few recent ‘replacements’ to the team. In the past, under Johnson and Wells there was a preference for static solidity over enthusiasm and dynamism, something which saw Joe Worsley consistently selected in match-day 22s and Tim Payne the second choice loosehead behind Andrew Sheridan. With Tom Croft’s long term injury and Sheridan’s niggle it would have been very easy for the England management team to take a safety first approach and muddle through, but in giving first caps to Tom Wood and Alex Corbisiero, they reaffirmed the intentions of the autumn. This was a side that was going to be big, as all England teams are, but also one that was athletic, which would carry over the gainline and ruck beyond it, an area where Corbisiero shone unlike any English prop for quite some time. Admittedly someone like Louis Deacon does not fit that blueprint perfectly, but with Lawes and Attwood out, and Shaw having aged exponentially in the last 18 months, the options were limited. It is that generation of quicker ball and the willingness to change the point of attack that has created such a great platform for the half-backs and allowed England to thrive. To see the efficacy of this tactical shift you only have to contrast them with Welsh struggles as they have been delivering slow ball with a heavily prescribed approach to the direction of attack. The half-backs have made excellent use of the platform afforded them, though, for all the talk about how well Toby Flood is playing, and he is performing admirably, making accurate decisions and kicking impeccably, it is Youngs who is pulling the strings. Flood is finding holes and capitalising on them, but the scrum-half is creating those openings by causing havoc to defences. Against Wales and, particularly, Italy, every time he took a few steps away from the contact area, the opposition’s defensive discipline flew out of the window faster than a Denzel Washington manned freight train, especially when forwards were lined up after multi-phase attacks.

How England perform against a more capably opponent this weekend will be fascinating. Yes Wales are poor and Italy flat out capitulated (their defensive realignment and work-rate was embarrassing), but England are playing well and have the makings of a very good side indeed. France on the other hand have looked particularly laboured in most facets of play and got out of jail against Ireland, thanks to a brilliant piece of defending by Jauzion in the dying seconds and woeful Irish discipline. Thankfully Traille and Poitrenaud have been dumped for Clerc and the aforementioned Jauzion (with Medard to 15), and Yachvilli should offer them the control at half-back they have been lacking, but as is Marc Lievremont’s wont, he both gives and receives, somehow rewarding Sebastian Chabal with a starting berth despite almost throwing the game at the Aviva away and retaining Yoann Huget for the fifth successive game after four performances that at best reached the lofty heights of ineffective. France also have to contend with the fact they are away from home and the cliché won’t die till they bury it in the grounds of South West London (though to their credit they are one of the few sides who have excelled away in New Zealand). France have the set-piece to win that battle but additionally they must be far less lateral and more direct in their attacking play.

Turning attentions to Murrayfield you have a tie that could really go either way. Last year Kellock caused the Irish lineout all sorts of problems and a repeat of that would seriously limit Ireland’s ability to maintain field position and get time with ball, but at the same time Scotland need to actually create something with the dominance in territory and possession that any set-piece advantage might afford. The selection of a Ruaridh Jackson at 10 and Sean Lamont at 12 is striking, Dan Parks has not been playing well but he effectively won the reverse fixture last year with his accurate goal kicking and excellent field-position game. Jackson’s presence indicates that Andy Robinson’s side will try and do more with the ball, but with Lamont shoehorned into 12 in what will likely be a ‘crash-centre’ role, it would seem unlikely much ball will be going wide anyway. Scotland have to improve from last time out, but to win their forwards will need to dominate and provide the inexperienced fly-half a very stable platform. Ireland have not played particularly badly but have really let themselves down with indiscipline and inopportune inaccuracy. The mantra from the coaching team since the French defeat was that they had to play more intelligently, something that has seen Ronan O’Gara find his way back into the side to play the percentages. The return of Tommy Bowe will be a huge boost, providing much needed incision and size into the Irish back-division. That said, the fight, and it will be a fight, between the backrows, is worth the price of admission alone. Probably the two best units in the tournament going at it hammer and tongs, it is just a shame Stephen Ferris is still injured and Johnnie Beattie is yet to find full fitness.

Finally we look to Rome. With France still to come to the Stadio Flamino and an ominous final week trip to Murrayfield, a loss on Saturday would leave Italy on the precipice of another defeated championship. Italy’s 22 is likely to be unchanged, but they will need a much better performance than last time out. Against England their work-rate and discipline in defence was awful, and though Wales will not offer the same kind of threat, both physically and psychologically, they will have to be much more switched on, finding their way back to what was generally an upwards curve in performance on the way to New Zealand. Put simply they need to dominate at the set-piece. Aainst England they had no possession or territory largely because their lineout was abysmal. Against Ireland they showed they could be accurate in that facet, if they fail in a similar way this weekend they will have no chance. Wales are simply hard to fathom, against England they barely used their primary weapons, their two excellent ball-carrying centres, and against Scotland they didn’t really do much of anything bar defend well against an impotent Scottish attack and exploit two of the very few opportunities they created. Everyone knows they way they want to play rugby and they only seem to spark off those rare occasions when someone does something different off of turnover ball. James Hook received a level of undue credit for his performance, which was basically one line-break, contrasted to Stephen Jones being scapegoated for an average performance from the tight five and one of the worst displays in Mike Phillips’ career against England. With Jonathan Davies out injured Jones will come back into the team at 10 with Hook at 13, in effect restoring the backline that played in the tournament last year. Davies will be missed, he and Jamie Roberts are very similar players, but with Roberts misfiring Davies had been the focal point of the attack. One positive for Wales is the emergence of what looks to be an effective and young back five of the pack. For some time now Wales have had the worst back-row of any tier one nation, but with the emergence of Warburton, Lydiate and others they are finding athletic and skilful players for those key positions and in Alun Wynn-Jones and Bradley Davies they have an international class lock pairing that could be together for at least another six or seven years. Once they get their props back and find a ball-carrying 8 to replace the lumbering Ryan Jones, with Toby Faletau and, the soon to be qualified, Ben Morgan the likeliest candidates,  they will have their best pack for at least a generation.

Predictions:

England 32 – France 24

Italy 12 – Wales 19

Ireland 24 – Scotland 15

The Pan-European Competition Where Everygame Counts

There have been some fantastically crappy columns from noted football writers about how the Champions League is finished as a spectacle, their argument has basically been that the group stages are too lopsided and as a result the tournament is becoming boring. They are obviously wrong, it is admirable that Platini wants the competition to be legitimately wide in scope, though thankfully his push for extensive representation of minnows has only been pushed so far. In fact much of the caterwauling seems to stem from the realisation that the Premier League teams are going to find it tough again in a competition where they can no longer out-spend everyone else. The strength of the Champions League lies in its diversity, you may have Brazilians playing everywhere, but 18 countries are represented. That said, if you want to watch a cross-border European sporting event where you have legitimate strength in depth then you only have to look at the Heineken Cup.

The Heineken Cup is currently only contested by six Unions, but in terms of strength it is incomparable to its Football equivalent. Whereas half of the Champions League’s 32 qualify for the knock-out rounds, from groups where seeding deigns that smaller sides are at a huge disadvantage, in the Heineken Cup only eight teams qualify from six groups of 24, where you will almost always have three if not four hugely competitive sides. The consequence is not just that the quality of competition is high, but that Sky, the exclusive broadcaster, gets three or four marquee matchups every round, the Champions League rights-holders are lucky to get one until the knock-outs commence.

The forthcoming Heineken Cup is as wide open as it is intriguing. The story of last year was the French sides, blessed with the largest budgets in Europe, coming back from a failure in 2009 to have both 2010 finalists, and the English shifting into reverse, having only Northampton escape the pool stage. On the face of it, the trend looks to have continued, it is the French sides like Racing Metro and Toulon who have recruited the big stars, Racing acquiring Juan Martin Hernandez, 2007 IRB player of the year, and potential French great Benjamin Fall, while Toulon have signed two Southern Hemisphere superstars in Carl Hayman and George Smith. They look placed to join Toulouse, Clermont and Biarritz at the top of the ladder. Castres will be willing, but they lack the squad depth, if not the metronomic kicker in ‘the machine’ Romain Tuelet, to make much of an impact, while Perpignan have the pack to dismantle anyone, particularly in Catalonia, unfortunately they are suffering from a ton of injuries and they have real question marks at half-back. It is a cliché to talk about the French in regard attitude and flakiness, but if they are to cope away as well as they do at home, then they will be hugely difficult to stop.

The Italians have got much stronger too, particularly by virtue of their entrance into the Magners League, Treviso have expanded and consolidated their squad, while the newly created Aironi, with their host of current and ex-Italian internationals, is much stronger than anything put out by Viadana or Parma in the past. Both will be targeting a couple of home wins and opposition will no longer be able to count on guaranteed bonus points

On the other hand the squads in England continue their curve of contraction. Bath and Saracens have made the biggest moves, bringing in the likes of Vesty and Moody, and Stevens and Strettle, but those players are replacements for others who have retired or departed, and both squads have notable weaknesses along with inconsistent tournament pedigree. Leicester will always be competitive, but their squad is virtually the same as that which failed to advance last year. Northampton, the sole English qualifier in 2010, will be interesting, their gameplan is built around a ton of power up front with carriers from 1-8, a big midfield and great finishing from the back three, but they lack depth and as their losses to Munster last year and Saracens two weekends back showed, if you can live with them up front and pressure their half-backs, they can struggle. Behind that London-Irish will be stronger this year as they are healthier, but for as long as their key player Steffon Armitage is out they will find it difficult to replicate the brilliant attacking display that decimated Newcastle against better sides. While Wasps are a bit of a curate’s egg, despite the presence of Shaun Edwards their defence has been remarkably porous of late and they no longer have a dominant pack, but their side does have a ton of pace and are able to cause teams problems.

The Celtic sides have largely continued as is, Ulster have made the biggest moves in the transfer market, bringing in three Springboks including the gifted if inconsistent Ruan Pienaar. Cardiff were close behind bringing in arguably the player of the 2010 Six Nations, Dan Parks, alongside Michael Patterson a guy many presumed to be a future All Black. Leinster have seen a massive upheaval in their coaching ranks, which has seen them hit worrying form in the domestic competition, but they have the talent to click, and the return of Sexton in the victory over Munster last weekend is huge for them. The Ospreys were relatively quiet in the transfer market, but they have a very strong squad, and once again it will be a case of whether they can put all their elements together and 21 year old Dan Biggar can fulfil his promise at fly-half. Munster go into the season largely unchanged, with Sam Tuitupou and Johne Murphy the only major additions in place of Jean De Villiers, much of their fortune will depend on how long it takes for their captain and talisman Paul O’Connell and their most dangerous back, Keith Earls, to regain fitness. The Scottish sides will likely struggle this year, they are both facing a glut of injuries and a few key losses such as Ali Hogg and Jim Hamilton from Edinburgh and Dan Parks and Kelly Brown from Glasgow, though the latter have a 19 year old out-half with a monster boot in Duncan Weir who might soon push for International honours. The Scarlets and Dragons both have had very little turnover in the Summer, both have some very good young players developing, like Jonathan Davies, George North and Dan Lydiate, but they will struggle to compete against the best sides and will be targeting home wins and respectability.

Pool 1

Edinburgh – Castres – Northampton Saints – Cardiff Blues

At first glance this looks to be a two horse race, Northampton and Cardiff games will likely decide the group, and they will be very powerful contests between two big and athletic sides, but Castres have a pack to be reckoned with at home and a couple of very good players out wide in Cameron McIntyre and the electric Marc Andreu (the pocketest rocket since Shane Williams), while Edinburgh can frustrate anyone in Murrayfield.

Prediction – Cardiff to win

Pool 2

Leinster – Clermont – Saracens – Racing Metro

Pool of Death 1: The Frenchening. After the quarter-final implosion of Brock James last year the Clermont and Leinster duels will be fascinating, much like Northampton, Clermont look to pound teams into submission, but they do so with a huge backline too. Only one side is making it out of this one. Leinster have had a poor start to the season, but they do have the pedigree and in Jamie Heaslip, one of the best players in the entire competition. At the Chabal led Racing, currently leading the Top14, the aforementioned Benjamin Fall has the ability to become one of the best ever French wingers, and the side is so loaded they have struggled to accommodate Hernandez. Despite coming second in the Guiness Premiership last year, Saracens might struggle, they lack dynamism up front outside of Schalk Brits and they will really miss the control that the recently retired Glen Jackson gave them.

Prediction – Racing Metro (if they take the competition seriously)

Pool 3

Munster – Ospreys – London Irish – Toulon

Pool of Death 2: It’s Just Not Fair. Much like pool 3, there will very likely only be one team left standing come the end of January. It is hard to back against Munster, but they need key players fit, particularly Earls who is their primary weapon out wide to keep defences honest. The Ospreys seem to be on an upward curve after winning the Magners League last year, but questions remain over their temperament and their set-piece is dodgy. Last season was not a great reflection on the ability of London Irish, they were decimated by injury for large parts of the year, the problem for them will be the lack of dynamism up front, they need more carriers, and Lamb to remain steady at 10, when firing they have the pace and power out wide to eviscerate sides. Toulon are entering the Heineken Cup for the first time behind the boot of Johnny Wilkinson, they have the XV to challenge, but Phillipe Saint Andre is an archetypically idiosyncratic French coach, and over the last 18 months they have often failed to gel into the sum of their parts.

Prediction – Munster to edge in on four wins by virtue of an extra bonus

Pool 4

Biarritz – Bath – Ulster – Aironi

Biarritz seem to trundle along and advance every year despite playing up and down rugby, largely on the coat-tails of Yachvilli’s boot and intelligence, but this year will be tough. With Traille still out and Hunt gone, their midfield is questionable and their pack has been found wanting in some big domestic games. Bath were a hot-pick at the start of the season, but their front five are limited and if Banahan and Hape’s power is stopped out wide, their attack can lose all of its focus. Ulster will be very interesting, three big signings have strengthened them immeasurably and they look to have the pack and set-piece to take it to anyone, but question marks at 10 and 15 could prevent them from capitalising on any dominance earned up front. Aironi are there to make up numbers, they are a newly formed team who is still taking time to gel, but they have enough experience to ruin someone else’s hopes of advancing.

Prediction – Ulster to shock Bath away and top group

Pool 5

Leicester Tigers – Scarlets – Perpignan – Benetton Treviso

Leicester will be hugely grateful to have Flood back as they have really missed his direction at 10. They are surely favourites for the group, but alongside that, apart from at prop, they do not look anywhere near as strong as in the past. The Scarlet’s backs are going to cause opposition problems with their speed and strength, but they will not have the forwards to test the opposition, particularly away. Perpignan are another French side that can beat anyone upfront, but they are prone to capitulating away and they lack a commanding influence at half-back, they should have a strong chance to qualify if they can reverse last year’s loss to Treviso away. That win over Perpignan was probably Treviso’s biggest result in Europe to date and they are a team that is definitely getting better, as seen by their very respectable start to the Magners League, and they will look to win at home.

Prediction – Leicester and Perpignan to qualify

Pool 6

Toulouse – London Wasps – Glasgow Warriors – Newport Gwent Dragons

Pool of Fail: Why couldn’t (insert your team here) have had this group. Toulouse should take this at a canter, they are big, quick and skilful across the park and they will be aiming for six wins to ensure a home QF. Wasps simply aren’t very good, they have lost too many key players to age or other clubs, but they do have real pace and finishing ability in the likes of Simpson, Varnell, Lemi and Haughton, which will likely allow them to accumulate enough points. Glasgow are playing very limited rugby that has been sporadically effective so far this season, particularly as their new out-half can kick from anywhere inside 60m, but they will have to expand their horizons to compete away from home. The Dragons seem to have gone backwards, their set-piece has gone to the dogs and they really need guys to step up or it could be a very tough campaign.

Prediction – Toulouse and Wasps to advance

Sibling Rivalry On The Run

“If you run, I’m telling mum!”

Yes the Miliband’s are grown men, both with the ambition to become leader of the country, but when it comes to sibling rivalry, immaturity completely ignores bounds. Brothers compete, for affection, for reward and for pride, and short of their parents being forced into making some kind of ‘Sophie’s Choice’ decision on TV (a format I pray we never see), a National election was the ultimate competition Edward and David could face. Ed won, even though the result led to him wearing look of terror that brought to mind the first time I saw the Exorcist as an eleven year old, and David lost, offering his brother hug that seemed genuinely warm followed by a peculiarly aggressive head squeeze.

“I’m older, you’ll do what I say!”

David was born first and David rose to prominence first, he likely could have been party leader two years ago if he was brave enough to challenge Gordon, but he sat back playing a safe game. Much like the Hare, who took a nap under the tree, David waited in the shade, he, and assuredly his advisors, thought the keys to Labour Party HQ were waiting for them. They assumed that whoever led the party into the 2010 election would be finished and he banked on the lack of depth at the top of the party, with Alan Johnson disinterested and Darling, despite his excellent Ministerial work, unelectable. He was right about the absence of challengers amongst his immediate contemporaries, he was endorsed by all and sundry while the likes of Harman and Balls gained little traction given how the party faithful were acutely aware of the way they were perceived by the general public, but he was either wrong, or subconsciously dismissive, about his brother.

“Why does he get to go first!”

It is very likely that Ed, or someone close to him, realised that if he wanted to be the Labour leader, this contest was his only realistic shot. As a 40 year old he could still have a long political career ahead of him, but he saw his window of opportunity closing faster than the doors on the last tube home you just missed. If he did not run, David would have had the job sewn up. If David won, then Ed would not be a viable candidate in another Leadership Election for at least decade, if ever, as the odds of the Labour Party voting for the brother of the man who lost them a general election, even if he had already served a full term, were about as strong as the Irish economy. He had to act, and he did.

“It’s not fair, it was mine!”

Even though there was a relatively late swing to the younger Miliband, once Ed put his hat in the ring the outcome had an air of inevitability. It is very possible that David never considered the possibility that Ed would run, particularly against him, and if he did, then it was a serious miscalculation. David failed to shake his association to the previous governments, both as a key Blairite advisor and as a prominent member of Gordon’s cabinet, ironically it was Ed who was the staunch Brown man, while he also failed to connect with the core of the party. It is easy to wave the ‘charisma’ flag, but there is some truth to it as he was clearly seen, whether accurately as the more uptight of the two.  He was David, the serious one with the Action Man hair, while Ed was the cheery wonk who brought to mind Michael McIntyre. The result might have been different their parents had named them Dave and Edward (or Karl), and snap judgements about character were less easily made, but it was not to be.

“He hit me!”

That is not to say the outcome was purely a failure on David’s part. His team dealt with the controllables very well, it is only that Ed ran a very good race. The ‘Red Ed’ charges were dealt with efficiently, he artfully attributed previous governmental failings to his brother and Ed Balls even though he was not the real outsider candidate, and he successfully appeased the different factions who make up the core of Labour’s support. The initial criticism levied is that he will be beholden to the Unions who provided a foundation for his victory, but that ignores the fact he did actually hit out at them by indicating towards a need for structural change and acknowledging that some spending cuts were necessary and would be supported. He will obviously need Union support, particularly to keep financial contributions coming, but he will not be any more indebted to them than any Labour leader who has to contest with a strong Tory party.

“I’m not talking to him anymore!”

The fallout from the Miliband battle was primarily a metaphysical one, I’ve had fights with my brother where actual blood was shed, here there will be scars but for the most part they will be concealable. It is a shame that David had to bow out of front-line politics, the gut reaction was that he took his ball home in a response that was tantalisingly childish yet entirely apposite given how brothers act around one another. However it was not that simple, David would indeed have been a thorn in the side of his brother, the disagreements that arose in the contest were not going to disappear, they were going to widen as some reporters dug their claws in like particularly irritating and poorly groomed housecats. The problem is that David will not be able to avoid the spotlight, he will be questioned about policy decisions everywhere he goes and every vote will be highlighted.

“He’s my brother.”

There will surely come a time in the next couple of years when David will be back in frontline politics, bar a particularly bloody coup, that will be in his brother’s cabinet, and he will be needed as he is an impressive and well traveled politician. At that time Ed and David will have to pursue a show of solidarity that lasts, not least because they are now the most prominent Labour politicians not named Balls.

Why can’t us Brits have our own Daily Show?

We have a long tradition of great satire in this country, from Punch to Python and Private Eye to Brass Eye, but we have fallen far behind the United States when it comes to up to date political television satire, and they’re not even supposed get irony. Why do we not have a British Daily Show?

Comedy Central and More4’s ‘The Daily Show with Jon Stewart’ is nominally a comedy show, but it punches well above its weight, winning awards and critical raves at an unprecedented level. The host, and executive producer, Jon Stewart, was recently voted “America’s most trusted newscaster” in a Time magazine online poll, while a study at Indiana University found that the half-hour comedy show provided as much substance as traditional terrestrial news coverage. Despite American ratings barely reaching two million viewers, it is a cultural cornerstone underpinning US socio-political discourse, particularly amongst the young and well educated. It is the first port of call for politicians, on both sides of the spectrum, to appeal to younger constituents, and it has been found to better inform the audience than the so-called ‘real’ news.

The two heaviest criticisms levied at The Daily Show, are that it is ideologically biased towards the left, and it is both breeding and appealing to a newly cynical generation predisposed to political apathy. Now I don’t think either of those accusations are true, but even if they were, as a nation of cynics with an ever increasing number of liberal twentysomethings, it would seem the Daily Show would be right up our alley, even more so that those idealistic and crazy right-wing Yanks. Indeed the success of shows like ‘Have I Got News for You’ and, to a lesser extent, ‘Mock The Week’, indicate that there is an audience for topical comedy on TV, however they are the successful few that have survived.

Do you remember the ‘Armistice’? Even the genius of Armando Iannucci could not turn a weekly satirical news show into a success (though the 1997 election night special is well worth watching if you are able to nefariously acquire it on the interwebs) and the less said about his ‘Gash’ the better. Similarly shows on Channel 4 like the awful ‘Tonightly’ and slightly-less awful ‘TNT Show’, which were barely able to subsist by pursuing pop-culture jokes as well as thoroughly base ‘news’ satire. I have tried to forget the one episode of ‘Not Tonight with John Sergeant’ that aired on ITV, but as the internet saying goes, I saw it and I can’t unsee it, now matter how hard I try.

Though there have been some admirable attempts in recent times. ‘Russell Howard’s Good News’ has been a commercial success (as commercial a success as something can be on BBC3 anyway) and it succeeds, rather effortlessly, in farming humour out of news coverage, but it is whimsical, rather than biting, and despite the weekly format it often turned to footage and memes that had been dissected online for months or years. ‘Charlie Brooker’s Newswipe’ was, and is, a brilliant and acutely observed dissection of national and international news coverage. However, though the show was quick to absolutely destroy targets such as FOX News and the domestic tabloid news culture, it was essentially an introverted think piece on news in the media and it took a surprisingly neutral editorial stance on political issues (something Brooker is certainly not afraid of based on his published musings), while the audience is probably confined to the same subset that is getting 6 Music shut down. Even now with the second series completed, encompassing only 10 original episodes, you see the same themes repeated time and time again. The Daily Show does this too, most notably with its use of correspondents, but also through great editing as seen the early-2009 campaign against the monetary analysis at CNBC, but there is more substance there, particularly in the way they uncover footage of politicians delivering statements and speeches from years gone by which highlight particularly unashamed partisanship and hypocrisy.

Most tellingly on the other end of the spectrum was the ambitious ‘The Late Edition’, which effectively repurposed The Daily Show format, and failed. The show was unabashedly left-wing in its world-view, and too often the show tried to make ideological points at the expense of humour. Ideology in comedy is tricky because attempting to rationalise a viewpoint is vary rarely funny, and in ‘The Late Edition’ Marcus Brigstocke and his associates went after targets whose markers were varying shades of grey. As a consequence only those on that particular wavelength were able to appreciate the unsubtle barbs, not to mention that a lot of the writing was sloppy. Similarly Mark Thomas has a number of fans, but he has a clearly defined audience, and his lecturing approach to comedy only really works only for that audience.

Despite claims of ideological activism, The Daily Show has always set its sights on easy targets, whichever zoo animal badge or colour tie they might wear, and has rarely tackled anything particularly controversial. An old man stupidly, and forcefully, talking about a ‘series of tubes’ or a taxpayer funded duck pond is much more ripe for comedy than a ‘bit’ about the strings attached to George W Bush’s African Aid programme. That is not to say The Daily Show is editorially balanced, but it attacks clear displays of stupidity, cynicism and hypocrisy as opposed to creed, something notable in Stewart’s occasionally heated, but always respectful interviews with subjects whom he obviously disagrees. In a recent interview with Bill O’Reilly, a man whose default decibel level surely brings with it a lifetime ban from libraries worldwide, Stewart said that he viewed something as worthwhile comedically so long as it was a “valid piece of absurdity”. That simple and elegant phrase encompasses so much of what The Daily Show is about. It does not seek to lecture, to pander or unduly criticise. It seems to me that the goal of the show is to help facilitate a collective cathartic release amongst the writers, the producers and the audience when we are faced with something that has inspired an acute sense of disbelief and incredulity.

That is not to say the absence of a British Daily Show is due entirely to faults in context or tone. One common thread is an absence of great writing and resources. The UK has a number of great satirists and there are some excellent political comedians working in this country, but The Daily Show writers’ room is be the cream of the crop, akin to the kind of staff that changed comedy with their work on ‘The Simpsons’ from ‘89 to ’94. It is full of some of the funniest and smartest people in America, with the current writing staff numbering close to twenty, not to mention the vast production staff, including those who are tasked solely with the vital research role of uncovering that aforementioned footage. The show does go four nights a week, but that is still only eighty minutes of programming, whereas at one stage The Late Edition aired twice a week, totalling close to sixty minutes of programming, and the writers’ room likely contained no more than five or six people at a time, with what was likely a relative dearth of support staff.

The lack of resources is something seen across the British television spectrum. It is the reason scripted series run, on average, for six episode seasons, and though it allows for very talented people to deliver projects that have unparalleled consistency of voice and quality, it is also limiting and bloody hard work. Sam Bain and Jesse Armstrong take more than six months to write six episodes of ‘Peep Show’ before production even starts. ‘The Thick of It’ works as great satire, but it does so with a sense of timelessness built around a cynical response to the suspicion of politicians by the public, rather than as a direct reaction to real-world events, even if they can plan in advance to run an episode in line with Conference season.

In Radio that lack of resource is less of a limiting factor. I would argue that ‘The Now Show’ is not actually very good, and is symptomatic of Radio 4’s main problem, the reliance on an older generation of unfunny ‘comedians’ (that means you Jeremy Hardy), but it is inarguably a laudable attempt to provide up to date satire, at least for the six months of the year it is on. Along those lines, and far more successful, is The Bugle, the excellent podcast presented by Timesonline, hosted and written by the ridiculously coiffed Andy Zaltzman and The Daily Show correspondent John Oliver. It is pun heavy and Zaltzman’s absurd monologues can at times be as exasperating as they are humorous, but it is exceedingly funny and quite biting. The format lends itself to a more freeform conversational discussion of international politics, and is clearly edited in order to remain fairly taught (or more accurately slightly less flabby), but the two of them come armed with a substantial amount of excellent pre-written material that they are able to use as a jumping off point. That kind of quality is also seen in Radio 5 Live’s ‘Seven Days of Sunday’ programme, which Zaltzman is also a contributor to, alongside host Chris Addison.

In fact you can get a lot of excellent satire via the radio and new media platforms. ‘The Daily Mash’ lacks polish compared to ‘The Onion’, but it is funny and it is ours, while Radio 4 does have some excellent programming when it decides to give some very talented people a little bit of money and a lot of freedom. The main problem seems to be transferring that talent to the television, which ultimately comes down to the lack of a ‘late-night’ tradition in the UK and the absence of investment in the format. It may be our equivalent of American ‘late-night’ television is the comedy panel show (which is not a particularly prevalent format over there), but they really do lack substance. It is just another one of those ways we cannot match the best of US television.

Check out:

http://www.channel4.com/programmes/the-daily-show-with-jon-stewart/4od

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/thebugle

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/

http://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewTVSeason?id=129458911&s=143444

http://www.channel4.com/programmes/brass-9eye/4od

http://www.youtube.com/user/xthemusic#p/u (for Newswipe)